The poem is beautiful... and yeah... I love you!

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Everything will die ... eventually...

that is truly brilliant

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-The reason its called A Revolution is because Inevitably, it will end up where we started-

This is a beautiful piece. !

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"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt" William Shakespeare

"A whisper, soft and quickly gone,"

To me, this line lacks imagery, just because the way it was formated. Soft and quickly doesn't seem to describe the whisper, but more of it's leaving. I would suggest "A soft whisper, quickly gone," That gives more of an image and more of a mystic feeling. When you are using describing words, make sure to play with them, yet make them fit in the place where it should get the proper and best effect. Also, the next line seems to suggest that those whispers would be repeative, because most likely, you would be walking up more than one step. So maybe you should use words for repeatition.

"Up to this sacred room of yours,
Footsteps echo in pairs."

To me, the way you put the lines seem to nullify any effect they may have. If you put a line like "The stairs creak with sound," or you switched those two lines around, the thing would sound more natural and have a good effect.

"Light in no demand."

I just have a suggestion for this one that you can ignore if you want. "Light the undemanded" Generically, it isn't exactly a word in the dictionary, but people would know what it means. Though, the line you have now works fine.

"Of two so breathless, shakes"
What shakes, exactly?

"And perfectly our lives do change
From two bodies to one;
This soul is reunited now,
This rite of proof is done."

I just have to add I love these lines. Two bodies to one is a great use of imagery to represent a spiritual merging of two people.

The last line "This rite of proof is done" is kinda...effy. Maybe you could of used more descriptive words, like strength, endurance, etc, because it seems the rite is talking about the bonding.

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[link] Gallery of characters and other things open to the public to view. Any use of images must be approved by me first though. The artists who drew the pictures own the pictures.

"A whisper, soft and quickly gone,"

To me, this line lacks imagery, just because the way it was formated. Soft and quickly doesn't seem to describe the whisper, but more of it's leaving. I would suggest "A soft whisper, quickly gone," That gives more of an image and more of a mystic feeling. When you are using describing words, make sure to play with them, yet make them fit in the place where it should get the proper and best effect. Also, the next line seems to suggest that those whispers would be repeative, because most likely, you would be walking up more than one step. So maybe you should use words for repeatition.

"Up to this sacred room of yours,
Footsteps echo in pairs."

To me, the way you put the lines seem to nullify any effect they may have. If you put a line like "The stairs creak with sound," or you switched those two lines around, the thing would sound more natural and have a good effect.

"Light in no demand."

I just have a suggestion for this one that you can ignore if you want. "Light the undemanded" Generically, it isn't exactly a word in the dictionary, but people would know what it means. Though, the line you have now works fine.

"Of two so breathless, shakes"
What shakes, exactly?

"And perfectly our lives do change
From two bodies to one;
This soul is reunited now,
This rite of proof is done."

I just have to add I love these lines. Two bodies to one is a great use of imagery to represent a spiritual merging of two people.

The last line "This rite of proof is done" is kinda...effy. Maybe you could of used more descriptive words, like strength, endurance, etc, because it seems the rite is talking about the bonding.

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[link] Gallery of characters and other things open to the public to view. Any use of images must be approved by me first though. The artists who drew the pictures own the pictures.

Sorry for the double post X_X

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[link] Gallery of characters and other things open to the public to view. Any use of images must be approved by me first though. The artists who drew the pictures own the pictures.

Quickly is an adverb, and therefore it's main goal WOULD be to describe it's leaving....as for soft, I left out a comma.

"A sweet and noiseless laying down/...shakes/the air around"

And yeah, I suck at last lines.

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Recently discovered masochist.

I highly enjoyed it I thought it was masterful and though you say not mature, the way its put is very mature, but most people cant be mature when talking about sex anyhow > lol, just a hint though i almost didnt know it was about sex had i not read the title LOL ^_^; but i like things to be handed to me very bluntly but all in all its still a masterpiece and beautiful work so its earned a from me and this almost completely jibberish comment! good work

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LESBIAN/GAY PRIDE!

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Bored As FUCK? [link] <--- go to it and entertain yourself (warning small side effects are - hang-overs and addictions.)

I must of phrased something wrong with quickly, but eh. as for last lines... I'm not different. Those are the toughest things about the first draft in poems @_@;

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[link] Gallery of characters and other things open to the public to view. Any use of images must be approved by me first though. The artists who drew the pictures own the pictures.